Developing performance through listening and empathy

A major hurdle for many in developing their performance is their lack of real listening and failure to empathise so this week’s blog aims to cover some important points in listening skill and empathy.
So what is listening? When we listen well we employ active listening and there are three components:
1. Hearing
2. Understanding
3. Judging
We ‘hear’ to catch what the speaker is saying; we interpret and perceive to ‘understand’; we determine whether or not it makes sense to us when we ‘judge’ the content (we weigh it up). This does not mean we judge the speaker or the meaning they attach to their communication but rather, we determine for ourselves what sense it makes to us.

So when you really listen to someone you listen, in other words, you cannot talk when they are talking since you will not hear what they say. To interpret you may need to ask questions and this act of asking questions signals the speaker we are listening.

Listening requires concentration; you cannot fully hear their point of view or process information when you argue mentally or judge what they are saying before they have completed. An open mind is a mind that is receiving and listening to information

Listening, as with any other skill requires deliberate practice.

So what is empathy? Empathy is being able to share and understand the emotions and feelings another person is experiencing. It is definitely not sympathy but is the ability you can develop of identifying with another’s thoughts and concerns; it is about putting yourself ‘in their shoes’. To identify with another’s feelings you must first be able to identify your own feelings since without this capacity how can you understand how another person is feeling? For example, if you have not felt loss, how can you put yourself in the position of a person who is feeling loss? If you have not felt pleasure, how will you empathise with a person who is feeling pleasure? A working example is discrimination – if you have not felt discrimination could you understand the feelings of a person who is feeling discriminated against? I recently felt the force of both age and race discrimination and the pain and distress it can cause and although not pleasant it has helped in my understanding and empathy to those who experience various forms of discrimination on a daily basis.

Feeling the depths of depression and the heights of elation help us all to develop an understanding and an emotional link with others; the empathy we can display as a result takes us further in our understanding of others and their emotions. You will be effective when your comments reflect exactly what the talker has been saying; paraphrasing in your own words their comments.

You need to listen and make tentative comments, checking for understanding. Too many people (and managers in particular) do not practice empathy and as a result we often hear them make judgements or give advice or ask pointed, direct questions (that tend to determine where the conversation goes). For example, a manager is told about as problem a colleague has with another staff member and immediately says:
1. I hope you didn’t say too much – that would be a rash thing to do
2. I suggest what you do is ......
3. Did you mention the problem she caused with... Did it occur to you not to say what you did... Have you ever considered giving yourself more time to reflect on...???

We have to demonstrate an interest in the issue and try to clarify to get a real understanding, without guiding or imposing or telling.

To develop our levels of performance we need to learn to listen and empathise.