More on Listening

Following last week's blog I was asked to give some simple tips on what a good listener would do and the skills that need to be developed to demonstrate empathy.

I indicated previously that if we are asked to listen but do not reflect on the message or think about the communication we will not learn anything of the subject being discussed. Active listening has three basic steps:

• Hear
• Understand
• Judge.

We hear what the speaker has to say; we understand in our own way (we each have a 'schema' or a view of the world that helps us understand in our own way); we judge whether the communication makes sense to us.

Want to be a good listener? Try this:

1. give the speaker your full attention
2. focus on the subject
3. let the speaker finish
   
4. finish listening before you start speaking
5. ask yourself, "what were the main ideas?"
6. ask questions to clarify your understanding

Want to develop skills that will help you with empathy? Try this:

• ACKNOWLEDGE the speaker - this can be something simple like maintaining eye contact - you might try and show them you realise they are there.
• PARAPHRASE - respond by repeating part of the communication in your words - not like a drone or a parrot but to indicate you are listening.
  
• REFLECT/CHECK - reflect back to the speaker either the content you heard or your feeling about it - your understanding may not be what they intend so it's a good idea to clarify this early in the communication.
  
• INTERPRET - a cautious 'guess' of the feeling or meaning attached to the communication by the speaker - you are not psychoanalysing the speaker or stating without question what the situation IS - you are attempting to get on the same wavelength as the speaker so your 'interpretation' is tentative
  
• SUMMARISE - bring all the meaning and feeling together and help to focus understanding
• PROBE - careful! This is not an interrogation - what you can aim to do here is use supportive questioning to clarify and get more information.
• SUPPORT - when the speaker reveales their feelings it might help to demonstrate you care about their feelings or at least recognise them and understand they have them.
• BE QUIET - try not to interrupt - we can aim to give the speaker the space to talk and the time to think without pushing them on/without requiring them to move to our speed.

Perhaps it would be better to illustrate what a poor listener might do? Let me leave you this week with five tips to being a poor listener - practice them regularly! They might give you a better picture of what a good listener could do.

1. talk, talk and continue to talk, so the speaker cannot fully or adequately explain
2. when not talking, spend your time thinking about the next set of questions you might ask
3. interupt as much as possible and do so by being rude and loud
4. look away, do not maintain eye contact, sigh, scratch yourself, looked bored, show no interest
5. do not ask questions that clarify your understanding but rather, ask questions that threaten the speaker and put them on edge

When would you like to begin practicing these attributes?

I accept no liability for anything that might happen to you as a result of applying these 'techniques'!